How I Explained Bitcoin to My Grandma (And Why She Now HODLs)
By Chad King
So there I was, sitting at my grandma’s kitchen table. You know, the kind with the floral tablecloth that’s been there since the ‘80s, and the candy bowl that’s always full of those weird strawberry-wrapped sweets. She looks at me, eyes narrowed like she’s about to crack the Da Vinci Code, and says, “Alright, Chad, what the hell is this Bitcorn you keep yapping about?”
You have to understand—my grandma’s no ordinary sweet old lady. This is a woman who survived the Great Depression, raised six kids, and still complains about gas prices like it’s 1975. She’s a tough cookie. So, convincing her that Bitcoin is the future was like trying to sell steak to a vegetarian. But I was up for the challenge.
The “Digital Gold” Pitch 🏆
I start with what I think is a solid opener. “Grandma,” I say, leaning in like I’m about to reveal a family secret, “Bitcoin is like digital gold. It’s a store of value, but online.”
She squints at me. “Digital gold? Chad, the last time you talked about ‘gold,’ it was that scheme where you tried selling me fake jewelry.”
Now that made me cringe. Hard. That was full on embarrassing of that young hustle Chad..
“Okay, that was one time! And the jewelry wasn’t fake—it was ‘plated,’ alright? But this is different!” I insist. “Bitcoin is real value, like gold, but you can’t touch it.”
“Well, that sounds stupid,” she retorts. “Why would I want gold I can’t wear?”
Touché, Grandma. This was going to be harder than I thought.
The Pizza Story 🍕
Switching gears, I decide to hit her with the classic Bitcoin pizza story, thinking this will be the clincher. “Alright, hear me out, Grandma. Back in 2010, this guy bought two pizzas for 10,000 Bitcoin. If he had kept that Bitcoin, it would be worth over $300 million today!”
She stares at me, then says, deadpan, “So you’re telling me this idiot spent his fortune on pizza? I’d slap you upside the head if you did that.”
I burst out laughing. “Exactly, Grandma! That’s why we HODL—hold on for dear life. You buy it, and you don’t sell, no matter what.”
She leans back, crossing her arms. “HODL? Sounds like one of those tic tac dances.”
At this point, I’m crying from laughter. “No, it means holding onto your Bitcoin even when the price drops.”
“Sounds like what I did with my Enron stocks,” she quips.
Alright, maybe the pizza story wasn’t the best choice. Time to bring out the big guns.
The Bank Distrust Angle 🏦
I figure if there’s one thing old-school folks like Grandma can relate to, it’s distrusting banks. I tell her, “You know how banks charge fees, take your money, and barely give you any interest? Well, Bitcoin fixes that. It’s decentralized, which means no one controls it—not even the banks.”
Her eyes light up. Finally, I’m getting through! “So you’re telling me I can hide my money from those robbers at ****** Bank? Now you’re talking my language, kid.”
Bingo. We’re in.
But then she pauses, skeptical. “How do I know this Bitcoin isn’t just some scam, like that pyramid scheme you dragged me into? Remember Herbalife?”
I cringe again. “Grandma, that was not a pyramid scheme. It was a multi-level marketing opportunity.” Oh boy I did my fair share of stupid schemes back in the day.. You live and you learn, right?
The Wallet Setup Adventure 🔐
Next thing I know, she’s grabbing her iPad (the one she only uses for Candy Crush and Facebook stalking my ex-girlfriends) and asking, “So how do I buy this Bitcorn? Do I just click on something?”
I explain wallets, and she’s baffled. “Why do I need a wallet for invisible money? This is why your generation is broke—spending money on fake purses!”
At this point, I’m trying to set her up with a digital wallet while explaining how private keys work. It’s like teaching a cat to play the piano. She keeps asking, “What’s my password again? Can I use the standard?”
“Grandma, no! Never use the same password twice.”
“Fine, how about ‘ChadsAPainInTheAss2024’?”
😂 I take a deep breath. Progress is progress, I guess.
Grandma’s First Bitcoin Purchase 💸
I finally get her set up and ready to buy from exchange that shall remain nameless for now. She’s staring at the screen like it’s a slot machine in Vegas, fingers hovering. “Alright, Chad. How much should I buy? Five corns?”
“Start small,” I advise. “Put in $50, see how it feels.”
She hits the button, and BOOM, just like that—my grandma is now a Bitcoiner. She leans back, satisfied. “Well, I’ll be damned. I own Bitcorn.”
“Bitcoin, Grandma. Bitcoin.”
“Whatever. If I lose money on this, you owe me dinner. At a nice place, not like that fast food you call sushi.”
I can’t help but smile. “Deal. But when Bitcoin moons, you can take me to dinner.”
The Aftermath – Grandma, The HODLer 💎🙌
Fast forward a few weeks, and the market dips. I call her up, bracing myself. “Hey, Grandma. Just wanted to check in about your Bitcoin. How are you feeling?”
She cackles on the other end. “Chad, I’m not selling. I’m a HODLer, remember? Besides, if this Bitcorn thing tanks, I’ll just blame it on you and cash out.”
I can’t believe it. My grandma, the toughest cookie of them all, is HODLing like a pro. If she can do it, what’s your excuse?
So there you have it—the story of how I got my grandma into Bitcoin. Now she’s giving me investment advice. Her latest text? “Chad, don’t be a chicken. Buy the dip!”
Ladies and gentlemen, my grandma: Bitcoin maximalist and certified badass.
By Chad King, Crypto Evangelist & Master of Family Debates